Raising Real Boys To Become Good Men

#realboysintogoodrealmen

The 21st century has rewritten the playbook when it comes to raising boys to become good men. I thought it time that we relooked at the boys that parents, caregivers and educators are dealing with in schools at the moment – the Generation Z or Gen Z as they are commonly known. These boys are considered to be known for their love of short-form videos, social media, and online communities. Furthermore, they are also focused on mental health, diversity, and social justice.

I recently read an article by Dr William Pollack (a renowned clinical psychologist and expert in the field of boys’ and men’s psychology), author of ‘Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood’. This article identifies several key requirements to raise ’real boys’ and thought I would share the following with you, which is a game plan for parents of adolescent sons, caregivers, and educators.

Embrace Emotional Expression: Allow boys to express their emotions freely without being shamed or judged. This means creating a safe and supportive environment where boys feel comfortable sharing their feelings.

Stay Connected: Parents should maintain a close relationship with their sons, staying involved in their activities and being available to listen empathically. This helps boys develop emotional intimacy and build strong relationships.

Positive Role Modelling: Parents should model healthy masculinity, showing boys what it means to be a responsible, empathetic, and emotionally expressive man.

Foster Empathy: Teaching boys to understand and respect the feelings of others is crucial. This can be done by encouraging them to consider different perspectives and develop their emotional intelligence.

Provide Supportive Environments: Schools and communities should also play a role in supporting boys’ emotional development. This can be achieved by providing mentorship programmes, positive role models, training teachers to understand boys’ needs, and creating safe spaces for boys to express themselves.

Avoid the “Boy Code”: Parents and society should avoid perpetuating the “Boy Code,” which emphasises toughness, stoicism, and aggression. Instead, focus on promoting healthy masculinity and encouraging boys to be their authentic selves.

Encourage Positive Relationships: Boys should be encouraged to form positive relationships with friends of both sexes, which can help them develop emotional intimacy and support networks.

Monitor Social Adjustment: Parents and educators should keep an eye on boys’ social adjustment, providing guidance and support when needed to help them navigate complex social situations.

By following these requirements, parents and caregivers can help raise ‘real boys’ who are confident, empathetic, and authentic, and who can grow into healthy, well-rounded ‘real’ men.

This leads then to the question: 
What is the definition of a real man or real men?

From research conducted over many years and working on “The Good Man Project’ with Celia Lashlie, she attempted to provide a definition of what a good man is from discussion with numerous teenage boys and came up with the following values:  ‘Someone who is trustworthy, loyal, and had a sense of humour’ stood out above the others (Lashlie,2008). Furthermore, the following key characteristics were also established viz. ‘trusting, courageous, respectful, compassionate, committed, and a sense of humour.’ 

More recent and important characteristics that should be considered, according to Baldoni (2021) are that a good man is not a bully and is a father and husband who is present. He proposed further traits such as being resourceful, accountable, strong, smart, and brave because, in the current climate, masculinity and good men are under severe criticism, but society is in dire need of good men. Furthermore, he proposes that men need to look at not only being a good man, but also that men are being good humans. There is often confusion as to what makes a real man and confirms that ‘[a] bully is not a real man’. (Baldoni, 2021). 

Craig Wilkinson is a renowned South African author, speaker, and social entrepreneur who focuses on fatherhood, masculinity, and overcoming gender-based violence. Craig shares the following view on what he believes to be ‘real men’:

• Characteristics of a Real Man: A real man is humble, unafraid to apologise, and motivated by conviction rather than comfort or convenience. He’s courageous, unyielding in the face of danger, and a source of tenderness to his loved ones.
• The Importance of Fatherhood: Craig believes that fathers play a crucial role in shaping their children’s lives and that fatherlessness can lead to various social problems.
• Healthy Masculinity: Craig advocates for positive, healthy masculinity, which he believes can be achieved by teaching men to be emotionally expressive, take responsibility, and be forces for good in their communities.

 Wilkinson’s 2013 definition of a ’real man’ emphasises the importance of character, integrity, and responsibility. According to him, a real man is someone who:

> Takes responsibility for his actions.

> Is accountable for his words and deeds.

> Treats others with respect and kindness.

> Is humble and willing to learn.

> Prioritises his family and relationships.

>  Lives with integrity and authenticity.

Wilkinson’s perspective on masculinity focuses on positive traits that promote healthy relationships and personal growth. He encourages men to be vulnerable, empathetic, and genuine, rather than conforming to traditional stereotypes of masculinity.

Our role is to mentor, encourage, and support our teenage boys as they travel the ‘good man journey’ to adulthood and to become the good, real men that we want in our society.

Implement the Good Man Journey Programme in Your Boys’ School

The principles of “The Good Man Journey” are one of my strongest passions and are essential to supporting positive social change. I have successfully worked alongside parents, educators, and school governing bodies to implement the “The Good Man Journey” programme. In a boys’ school environment, the lessons learned through the programme affect everything from scholastic confidence to personal relationships – these are truly lessons for the future!

Today, as a consultant, I help schools implement “The Good Man Journey” to expand the reach of the programme. This is tailored according to your school. These services are directed at:

• School principals of co-educational and boys’ high schools who are looking to reap the benefits of character-based and mentorship programmes.
• School principals and parents looking for a once-off guest speaker on becoming a ‘good man’, with values and skills from character-based programmes and mentorship.
• Parent associations and individual parents who want to enrich their relationships with their sons and create a forum or hold one-on-one sessions to develop good men and strong father-son relationships

Contact Dr Chris Luman for expert insights into raising boys to be real men, with tools to help sons and students become the best men they can be.